Baby Long Neck

When I was a kid, my brothers and sisters told me I was a baby giraffe that my mom stole from a zoo. They called me “baby long neck.” As the story went, my mom fixed all the mirrors in the house so I saw a boy when I looked.

After posting this photo on Facebook, my brother instant messaged me:

Tom: jerk!
Rich: haha
Tom: At least your pants fit in that picture
Rich: Your pants would fit too if they weren’t pulled up to your chest.

Tough Love

After a delicious lunch at Whole Foods I started to feel a little sick. Walking around downtown Portland, I suddenly knew the time was near: I was going to throw up. Now, when I throw up, it is VIOLENT. It is LOUD. And, of course, it is MESSY. I looked around to find the best place to do such a thing. There was a garbage can in front of me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to stick my head in it. There were several restaurants, but it just seemed wildly inappropriate. The best option seemed to be some planters. I thought it might even fertilize the plants or have some other beneficial side effect I don’t understand. I went around the corner to find one on a not-so-busy street and paused for a second. Next to the planter was a young couple — high school age, maybe — making out. Now, it was the type of making out in public that annoys everybody. Even if I wanted to find a different spot (which didn’t happen to be the case), I was running out of time. I walked over to the planter, placed my hands on the edge and let out a really big dry heave. Rather than vomit, what came out was a big painful scream. I can’t really say what their reaction was, but it had to have been good after seeing this guy walk over to their planter, grab the edge like he’s going to pull it apart, then yell at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason. Serves ’em right.

Sorry there is no photo to go along with this, not that you would want one.


Claire and I have our songs like every other couple. Because I rarely sing, I thought it would be a fun gift if I recorded myself singing all of “our songs” and make a CD for her. Now, this was never intended to be a CD that she actually listens to, at least not more than once. The idea was to sing it with my own version of the lyrics, bad imitation of the singer’s voice, and an overall listening experience that one could only endure once, but that would hopefully get a good laugh.

I finally set out to record myself singing these songs in a nearby church parking lot where there were no cars. I pulled out my laptop and starting to sing as loudly as I could into the microphone. It was so loud, I am sure the sound escaped the car. These ideal circumstances lasted about ten seconds. Quickly, the parking lot started to fill up with cars. People were walking by, staring at some guy sitting alone in his car, yelling. I couldn’t stop because I was in the middle of a song and, besides, people kept coming. There must have been an event or something. I was determined to make this CD, so I kept singing.

I finish recording, go home, find a Lionel Richie album cover and photoshop out the “Lionel” so it just read “Richie.” I then put my face on Lionel Richie’s body, preserving his mustache and afro. And no, I’m not posting any of the songs or the album cover.

Rich changes a tire

I changed my first tire the other day. I took the spare out, rolled it to the far end of the garage by the front of the two cars, turned it, and leaned it up against the wall. I walked about 20 feet and grabbed the jack. As I was walking back, I noticed the tire was not where I left it. I got to the spot between the two cars in time to see the tire rolling out of the garage, quickly. I ran after it, but it beat me to the end of the driveway and turned down the street. Seriously, it just made a right after rolling out of the garage. It was like a remote control tire — and the driver was some punk hiding in a tree, laughing at me.

We live on a bit of a hill, so the tire started cruising down the street. I ran as fast as I could after it and tried kicking to knock it over. It wobbled a little but kept rolling, faster and faster. I tried again and, once again, there was a little wobble but it had too much momentum at this point. Finally, I charged the tire and was able to at least change its course. It rolled right into the driveway of someone who lives too far from us to really be considered a neighbor, came to a stop as though the punk kid had grown tired of playing with me, and toppled over.

I want my two dollars!

I feel like I am getting into a lot of controversial topics lately and I promise to get back to the regular nonsense after this…If there is one thing I HATE, it’s contacting technical support. It raises my blood pressure just thinking about it. So, I want to share my one positive experience — and it just so happens to have been with my beloved Apple. I bought an iPhone app the other day that turned out to be a complete waste of money. So, I reported a problem to iTunes. I got a message immediately that said it was forwarded to the makers of the app — not exactly what I wanted. I sent another message saying I want my money back. I got this reply within an hour or two:

Good morning Richard,

Mikey here, from the iTunes Store. I understand you wrote in a few days ago about your application “GoDocs” that doesn’t work and asking for a refund. I also see that you haven’t received a reply from that email and would like to know why. I can certainly see how eager you are to have this resolved and, I apologize for the email not getting to you. Richard, I will be happy to assist you with this today.

I have reversed the charge for the purchase. A credit of $1.99 should be posted within five business days to your store credit and credit card.

As a goodwill gesture and for the delays, I have issued 3 replacement song credits to your account. You can use the credits to buy songs of your choice from the iTunes Store.

When you sign in to the iTunes Store with this account, the song credits will appear by your account name in the upper-right corner of the iTunes window. The next time you buy a song from the iTunes Store, one song credit will be used to pay for the purchase. Please note that song credits cannot be used for purchasing songs that are listed as “Album Only.”

If you don’t see the credits, choose Sign Out from the Store pull-down menu at the top. Then choose Sign In from the Store menu, enter your account name and password, and click Sign In. Your song credits should now appear next to your account name.

I thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you today, should you have any further questions don’t hesitate to reply to this email.

Happy Holidays!


iTunes Store Customer Support

It’s a small thing, but it surprised me enough that I wanted to publicly thank them for not being punks over $2. I’m sure PC makers would have been jerks. PCs…boo!