April 29, 2010 King Con Post a Comment

Teeny

Conrad told us today that he had teeny-weeny bosoms, but that he had milk. He then explained how the whole process works: a cow makes milk, we drink it, it fills up our bosoms, and we can then feed babies because they can’t hold cups yet.

April 5, 2010 drunken midgets, King Con 1 Comment

Jelly Beans

It’s Easter time, so Conrad’s thoughts are mostly about Easter eggs and candy. While taking a bath, he looks down at his…uh…boys…and asks, “Do I have jelly beans in there?”

I asked Claire if I could post this on the blog and she said, “If you must.”

I must.

April 4, 2010 drunken midgets, Wild West'n Post a Comment

Old MacDonald’s


Weston and I went to McDonald’s — or Old MacDonald’s as he calls it. The Happy Meal comes with a few choices: nuggets, burger, fries…and, if you want the nuggets, there are a bunch of weird sauces you can get with them. I repeat the choices to Weston and realize this is a very important decision for him. As I wait for an answer, I notice he’s thinking so hard, his ears are wiggling. Now, West is really good at wiggling his ears. He usually does it just to appease his parents, but apparently, it’s more than an amusing human trick.

March 30, 2010 rich and beautiful, richie 1 Comment

Richie

Claire and I have our songs like every other couple. Because I rarely sing, I thought it would be a fun gift if I recorded myself singing all of “our songs” and make a CD for her. Now, this was never intended to be a CD that she actually listens to, at least not more than once. The idea was to sing it with my own version of the lyrics, bad imitation of the singer’s voice, and an overall listening experience that one could only endure once, but that would hopefully get a good laugh.

I finally set out to record myself singing these songs in a nearby church parking lot where there were no cars. I pulled out my laptop and starting to sing as loudly as I could into the microphone. It was so loud, I am sure the sound escaped the car. These ideal circumstances lasted about ten seconds. Quickly, the parking lot started to fill up with cars. People were walking by, staring at some guy sitting alone in his car, yelling. I couldn’t stop because I was in the middle of a song and, besides, people kept coming. There must have been an event or something. I was determined to make this CD, so I kept singing.

I finish recording, go home, find a Lionel Richie album cover and photoshop out the “Lionel” so it just read “Richie.” I then put my face on Lionel Richie’s body, preserving his mustache and afro. And no, I’m not posting any of the songs or the album cover.

March 28, 2010 drunken midgets, King Con Post a Comment

Pistoss


We are at a restaurant and I ask Conrad how he likes his dinner. He turns his head and says, “Well, it’s just a little pistoss.” Claire seems to understand perfectly, so I ask her what “pistoss” is. She tells me it’s just a word that Conrad has been using lately. I ask Conrad what “pistoss” means and he answers, “Pistoss means stupid.” We told the kids not to use the word “stupid” when talking about people, so Conrad made up his own.