Archives: King Con

A finity

Conrad was doing a bunch of addition problems to impress everyone. He said, “A thousand plus a thousand is two thousand. Infinity plus infinity is two finity.

drunken midgets King Con


Claire: OK kids, what do you do if a stranger comes to the door?

Conrad: We say, “Eat slugs, Malfoy!”

drunken midgets King Con

The Greatest

Rather than saying “great-great-great grandfather” like the rest of us, Conrad says “greatest grandfather.” So, we all have a great grandfather, a greater grandfather, and a greatest grandfather. It makes sense (sort of) and it’s much shorter. We could even take it a step further: grandfather, grander-father, grandest-father.

drunken midgets King Con


I am assuming (hoping) that this was inspired by “The Incredibles” but today Conrad said, “If I could stretch my body, I could stretch my penis all the way back to the house and go to the bathroom without leaving the park!”

drunken midgets King Con


Conrad was sleeping, but we had to wake him up. This is what he said:

Conrad: I wanted to do it.
Rich: Do what?
Conrad: make it smaller.
Rich: Make what smaller?
Conrad: Everything I say makes sense.

I can’t talk to him when he’s like this.

drunken midgets King Con


Conrad calls porcupines “pokey-pines,” because “they have so many pokies.” So, the question is, why do we call them “porcupines?” I looked up the answer:

Middle English porke despyne, from Middle French porc espin, from Old Italian…blah, blah, blah.

I like Conrad’s better. Middle French…pssshhh

drunken midgets King Con

Sad Monster with Earwax

sad monster with earwax by Conrad

Conrad has been drawing a lot of monsters lately.

Art King Con


He calls it “Oonle,” but Conrad is quite the little Uno player. When he plays at the kitchen table, he lays all of his cards out on the bench. This way, no one can tell how many cards he has left. We asked him to keep all of his cards on the table, which he tried. He had all of his cards spread out on the table, face down. When it was his turn, he turned each card over, one by one, until he found the one he wanted. It took so long that we all capitulated and let him put them back down on the bench. If it were any other kid, I would assume it was because he didn’t know what he was doing. Something tells me Conrad is just being clever about how he wins at Oonle.

drunken midgets King Con


“Do I look like a warrior?”    -Conrad

drunken midgets King Con

Ice Cream

The entire family is up at the cabin. It is really early in the morning. My sister is sleeping and hears a cough really close to her. She is really groggy and opens her eyes to find Conrad right next to her face, staring at her. As soon as Conrad thinks my sister is awake enough to give him a response, he asks, “Do you know where the ice cream is?”

drunken midgets King Con