I get a message from Claire asking me to pick up a small flashlight on my way home. I write back asking what kind of small flashlight. She responds that she got a “cracker stuck in her gums.” I assume she’s drunk and seek clarification with, “What are you talking about?” She explains that a cracker got stuck in her gums and she can’t see well enough to take it out. Having never had a cracker get stuck anywhere for very long, I stop asking questions and follow orders.

On my way home, I stop at a little store and ask if they have tiny flashlights. The guy asks me what it’s for. Hmm…I can’t think of anything so I tell the truth, “to help my wife get a cracker out of her gums.” The guy looks at me weird and tells me he doesn’t think he has anything.

As it turns out, it wasn’t a cracker, but a tiny piece of the insoluble part of popcorn. It had embedded itself into her gums somehow. Claire threatens to just go to the dentist. Motivated by unneccessary dental bills, the sinking economy, and rising healthcare costs, I jab at it until it breaks free.

I think this is the weirdest post yet.


  • Allison
    December 19, 2009 - 11:04 am | Permalink

    You should have called. I have the perfect teeny tiney piggie keychain LED flashlight. For the $1 I spent on it, it is bright!

  • Claire
    December 19, 2009 - 3:24 pm | Permalink

    A wee little piggie light would have been perfect! Oh well. I’m just grateful the dang old popcorn skin is out — it had fallen down in the gash in my gum that had been caused by a hard cracker jabbing into it. Hence my confusion.

  • Shelley Felt
    December 23, 2009 - 12:18 pm | Permalink

    Amazing how a tiny thing feels like a boulder in the mouth, a boulder with huge jagged edges, a tiny thing that is filling up all your thoughts, leading you to feel that normal will never return, as if you had turned a corner into a new life, a life of teeth beginning to rot and fall out, the end of innocent popcorn consumption.

  • Claire
    December 23, 2009 - 1:27 pm | Permalink


  • December 23, 2009 - 1:30 pm | Permalink

    …and on that cheery note….

  • March 25, 2010 - 1:45 am | Permalink

    You guys always make me laugh so hard and this one was so funny I am crying and laughing. Oh man.

    Thanks for that.

    You might try a Water Pik…probably cheaper than the dentist and you can use it the next time you have an incident. I always get stuff stuck by my tonsils.
    In case you wanted to know.

  • Claire
    March 25, 2010 - 10:06 am | Permalink

    Good idea.

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